Friendship You Can Never Get Back

Assalamu'alaikum,

Today I got an e-mail from one of my childhood friends.  There were times we grew apart, times we were convinced we'd kill each other, times we lost touch, and times we were inseparable.  Yet in some weird way, we were always best of friends.  We always knew we could call each other even if we hadn't called for months.  I have four or five friendships that fall under this category and we kind of have our own little group.  I like to call them my sisters...and not to be corny...but really because we have the love and bond of sisters and at the same time we can also tear each others hair out like sisters.  The group expanded as we moved away from one another and branched out into our own lives.  Parts of it broke off from silly teenage drama.  Nonetheless, the core group of friends always remained intact. 

Anyways, there was one thing she said that seemed out of place and stood out from the rest of the e-mail.  It was something that we all knew but never really talked about.  She wrote, "We always clicked...I have never made a friend like you anywhere else."  I also know that includes the rest of the girls...not just me...but being thousands of miles away from them...it really hit home.

We met around the time when I was in Pre-K.  We started off in the same town and gradually our parents took us our separate ways.  We went to completely different high schools and colleges far apart.  We grew up to become unique people with few similarities.  Somehow through Allah (swt) and technology (AIM)...we managed to make it through all that.  We made tons of freinds...lost most of them...and we always ended back together.  It almost sounds like the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants...except it was different in a way.

After marriage, I felt a distance form between all of us that I really thought this time it was it.  We wouldn't be able to go back to normal.  Heck...one of the girls turned Shia(not that I have anything against them...she just separated herself a little more b/c of it), the second one hated that I married an Arab, the third one married someone who took her away to lala land, and the fourth one just hated that we were all married and she wasn't.  Adding to all that...I moved across the world.

Surprisingly...Allah (swt) showed us a different plan.  I talk to them more now...than I did when I first got married.  All the other people that I thought I had grown so close to...people that I thought understood me in ways that my original group couldn't...they were the ones that let that distance separate us.  My sisters were the ones that bought webcams so we could skype, that e-mail me, that take the time out to look at all my pictures and comment on each one.  They are the ones that calculate the time difference...and wait for me to talk.  I love them and I never want to lose what I have with them...and I am so glad that we didn't let all the things working against us separate us.  I have tried so hard to make friends like that wherever I go...and I have never been able to form bonds like the one me and my sisters have.

So if you have a friend like that and there may be some distance creeping up between the two of you...crush it now...and don't let it grow.  There are some friendships that you can never replace.

Quick Meal: Chicken Shawerma

Assalamu'alaikum everyone,

My husband is traveling from Sunday to Wednseday during the week because of work.  I hate cooking for myself!  I only cook large meals when he is here and live off of snacks and sandwiches when he isn't here.  Here's a quick meal that you can leave to marinate in the kitchen and cook any time during the week.

Here is a video of the recipe courtesy of http://www.dedemed.com/ (I love her!).

Purifying the Soul through Hardships

Assalamu'alaikum,

So as you know, Subhanallah, I have been facing a serious test with my mother-in-law as described in detail in my previous post.  I just wanted to clarify that my blog is kind of a secret blog that none of my friends and family are aware of.  I needed a place to vent out my frustrations, express myself, and do it with the freedom of knowing that no one knows who I am.

Anyways, I am the type of person that easily forgives and tries my best to forget.  Usually, I only forget awful things said and done after the person has come to me and apologized or had shown regret for what they have done.  One thing I have a very difficult time forgetting is slander against me.  I am the type of person that realizes what I have done wrong and I ask for forgiveness right away (most of the time when I am aware/become aware of it).  Unfortunately, people aren't as forgiving as I would hope they would be...but I always tell myself that if I want people to forgive me for my faults...I need to forgive them for theirs. 

Well, I want to try to forgive everyone...whether they have come to me with an apology or have not shown any regret.  It is not my problem...it is on the person.  I do not want the evil of resentment, anger, and hatred to fester in my heart.  In order to help me do this, I have been trying to focus on Islam.  The lectures I attend are given by a well-educated Muslim woman, an engineer, a home-maker, a mother, a wife, and a daughter.  The reason I love her is because she talks about and mentions emotions.  She mentions situations, feelings, and thoughts that every woman can relate to.  Each woman in the room always comes out saying they feel as if she knows them better than they know themselves, Subhanallah.

I feel like Allah (swt) has been blessing me by bringing these opportunities to learn, to grow, and to find ease.  Well, just yesterday I was reading a post about this woman my friends kept mentioning.  They put up beautiful quotes she had said in lectures or articles.  I googled her and found a bunch of articles, but then I checked videos and Subhanallah, I found a video on hardships.  Wow, this was exactly what I needed.  She discusses how hardships can be either blessings or punishments.  The best part was her explanation that hardships in the form of blessings purify our souls.  When we go back to Allah (swt), we need to go back with pure hearts and souls.  Hardships in our lives are what purify us and bring us to the state we need to be in (Insha'Allah).  She also used a beautiful quote from Rumi...which I will not mention so you can watch it for yourself! 

What did I do wrong?

Assalamu'alaikum,

These past few weeks I have been on a spiritual high that has made me content with my life, overall, Alhamdulillah.  It has been easier to deal with the difficulties in my life and a kind of calm has replaced the worrying and negative thoughts, Alhamdulillah.  Of course, this new found patience was to be tested.

About four days ago, I attended a lecture on good manners and good character in Islam.  It was an inspiring and humbling experience.  For two hours, I was writing furiously to catch every word in order to capture the beauty of the stories and the lessons.  Afterwards, I sat for hours typing up my notes.  I searched for each hadith that was mentioned and I found each ayah with the translation.  Alhamdullilah, it was a task I truly enjoyed because I was able to take out time to appreciate the ahadith and ayaat on this topic.  I wrote back home to all of my friends and family about the organization that gives these amazing lectures and how it has helped me settle into my new life here.  I can never put into words what these classes have truly done for me.  I thought sending my friends and family these notes would be a great way to show them what I get to experience on a daily basis.  I thought it would be a wonderful reminder and a gift of knowledge.

I sent it to all of my friends and family.  I usually send out forwards in BCC, in order to make sure I don't share people's e-mail addresses with others.  Alhamdulillah, while my husband and I were out to dinner he received an e-mail from his mother.  It was in response to my e-mail and was sent to the both of us and read, "Make sure you read it properly yourselves!!!!"  That was all she wrote.  Since we have moved here about five months ago, she has not responded to one of our e-mails, she has not picked up any of our calls, nor has she ever tried to return the calls.  Alhamdulillah.  Through these classes, I was able to resolve many issues and the pain that I felt about our strained relationship with her.

Well, my husband gave me an angry glare making me feel as if I had done something to make matters worse between them.  Alhamdulillah, he came to his senses and realized his mother misunderstood.  She thought I sent the e-mail to her alone...trying to send an indirect message.  Subhanallah.  Such a simple action meant to do good can be twisted in such a way.  I was sorry that she felt the way she did, but I also was shocked that she would think I was that kind of person.  I have never done anything to make her think that I could be so disrespectful or rude.  My husband saw how upset I was and he asked me to stay out of it.  He e-mailed her a short response letting her know I had sent it to everyone and it was a misunderstanding.  The next day, I wrote an e-mail out to all of the recipients of the original email, including his mother.  I mentioned that I wanted to add where the notes came from, my intentions for sharing them, and why I BCC'd it.  It was a general note that I thought would help her see that I sent it out to a bunch of people with the intention of spreading knowledge and as a reminder for us all.

Last night, my husband having just gotten off his flight to his next destination for work....received another e-mail.  I guess this one was more aggressive and as he said "nasty"...but of course...he would not share it with me.  Surprisingly, she did not include me on this one.  I figured he didn't want to make me more upset and emotional by seeing the flowery things his mother must have written about me.  All in all, he just told me that she does not believe I sent it to everyone else and he would like me to take a screen shot of my original e-mail to prove my innocence to her.  I found it so incredibly childish and disrespectful. 

First, she accuses me of sending indirect messages as if I'm an evil human being!  Does she not think that I fear Allah (swt)?  Does she really think I could be such an awful person...that I would use the lessons from Islam and the words of Allah (swt) in such a way?  And now...she is accusing me of being a liar!  It upset me that I had to go through such lengths to prove myself. 

Nonetheless, I told myself to be patient, I took the screen shot, and sent it to him for it to be sent to his mother.  I told him that I would always be kind and gracious to his mother, despite the way she is treating me.  However, Allah (swt) knows best my intentions and after this I am done with this conversation.  What I did...I did for Allah (swt) and for the reward associated with spreading His (swt) knowledge.  I do not have to prove myself to anyone but Allah (swt).  I will not subject myself to more disrespect and allow her to make me feel like I have done something wrong.  These are her own issues and her own negative thoughts she will have to deal with.  I have given her the proof and there is no more that I can do.  And with that...I went to bed. 

I was initially so upset with what happened, but Alhamdulillah I have come to realize that she has burned many bridges with others in the past.  It is not me...it is her.  Do you guys think I can do anything else to ease the situation?

Praying Istikhara

Assalamu'alaikum,


Last night I was talking to a friend of mine that had to choose between tenants for an apartment she is renting out.  I told her to make istikhara and she thought it was only done for serious issues such as marriage.  I have noticed the topic of istikhara is widely misinterpreted with many Muslims.  The best thing I have learned from a lecture from some shaikh (my memory fails me when, where, and which shaikh...I know that's not good) is that istikhara is for any decision you need to make or any step you want to take in your life.  The point of istikhara is to show that you put your reliance in Allah swt, you are asking Him swt to help you, and lastly whatever does happen (Insha'Allah) will have barakah in it. 


And then there's the question about the dream.  Are you going to see beautiful serene dreams or nightmares?  This Shaikh (I think it was Shaikh Yasir Qadhi) said it isn't about the dream.  You may have a dream...you may not.  Your dream may even be influenced by the Shaitan, Allahualim.  He made a great point.  He said when you pray istikhara, you are asking Allah swt to bring you towards the decision that is good for you and to protect you from that which is bad.  Basically, after the prayer Allah swt will make the good decision easier and it will start falling into place.


If we really look into our lives we may be able to pinpoint those moments.  The most recent thing on my mind is this job that I applied to.  It really sounded perfect...almost too perfect.  It allowed me to work from home, I could travel with my husband, and I could follow my passion (teaching).  I prayed istikhara and my interviews went great, Subhanallah.  Okay this is a good sign.  Well, the interviewer said she'd let me know by that week.  I didn't hear back until a week and a half later.  Finally, she e-mailed me to say they would like me to come in for a third interview.  First, they had me fill out an online interview questionnaire, then take a test for an hour, an interview over the phone, and then a face to face interview.  This much work and I'm not applying to some big shot corporate firm...that's just ridiculous!  I said yes and waited to find out when and where.  Another week goes by and by now I am getting pretty annoyed.  Subhanallah, the woman e-mails me yesterday to say that they are changing the part-time position I applied for into full-time.  I already told her I couldn't commit to full-time and we had agreed on it before I even did all these things.  I think Allah swt may be trying to tell me I shouldn't commit.


My husband had the opposite experience.  He had everything going against him at first.  He didn't have time to review case studies and prepare for the interviews because he was so busy at work.  He was applying to a firm that usually only hired ivy league graduates.  He prayed istikhara.  Subhanallah, when he got there...he forgot a pen and only realized it when he got to the waiting room.  Subhanallah, all of a sudden a pen that was on the ground caught his attention and he picked it up.  He walked into the interview and he could tell he wasn't amazing, but that the interviewers liked him.  He felt like they were trying to give him chances.  After the three rounds were over, he goes back to the hotel to find a message that the interviewer would like to talk to him one more time.  They tell him not to worry and ask why he's nervous..etc.  He gets to the airport to come home that same day and thinks he doesn't have the job.  He gets a phone call right before boarding that he has the job with the contract of his dreams, Subhanallah. 


When you think all odds are against you, it can all change by the will of Allah swt. 

Fear

Assalamu'alaikum,

In halaqa the other day, I learned about four types of fear, خوف.  The topic really made me look into myself, the way I think, and the way I behave.  What amazes me at times is how certain topics may not seem relative to us...but every little thing in Islam relates directly to our lives and personal experiences.  There is always a connection and a form of therapy for the challenges of this life.  Before I start, let me give you some background on the different types of fear.

• Al Khawf Al Fitri - الخوف الفطري
• The natural fear.  It is a form of fear that is normal and does not become excessive, such as fear of a snake that can poison you.  This type of fear is beneficial because it helps you protect yourself from dangers around you.
• Al Khawf Al Wajib - الخوف الواجب
• The obligatory fear.  The fear of Allah (swt), His punishment, the Last Day, etc. falls into this category.  It also serves as a form of protection from sinning and helps you seek refuge in Allah (swt).
• Al Khawf Al Shirki - الخوف الشركي
• The associating fear.  It is a form of fearing that brings you to committing a form of shirk, associating with Allah (swt).  It is the fear of someone or something that causes you to magnify that person or thing.  An example is a magician that you fear may harm you and you try to seek his/her pleasure.
• Al Khawf Al Muharram - الخوف المحرم
• The forbidden fear.  There is no question al khawf al shirki is forbidden, but al khawf al muharram is "forbidden" because of the ease of which a Muslim can fall into this predicament.
• It is the fear of someone or something will harm you like al khawf al shirki.  However, the difference is that you do not magnify that particular person or thing.  This form of fear causes you to leave an obligatory act or leads you to a sin.

During the halaqa, I began to think about some of the major fears that I have in regard to my life as a Muslim.  One of my major fears, ever since I moved overseas, is the disconnect between my husband and the masjid.  Subhanallah in America, there were daily programs and lectures for us to attend at the masjid together.  Alhamdulillah over here, I have found the halaqas, but aside from khutbah during Salatul Jummah, there isn't much for my husband.  This fear then makes me think of the stories of men who were so religious and then transformed and would commit acts of zinnah and fall into major sins.  Then, I think to myself...what about me?  What if I am the one that one day wakes up and decides I no longer want to be Muslim.  This type of fear is al khawf al wajib.  It is the fear that you may lose your deen and you may have as my halaqa teacher said in Arabic "a bad ending."  This is the fear that causes you to ask Allah (swt) to keep you and your loved ones on a straight path, to protect from the pressures of the dunya, etc.

But then, I began to think of all the things that could lead me to have al khawf al muharram, the forbidden fear.  The halaqa teacher gave us an example that is quite common amongst Muslim women.  She discussed how some women are afraid to where the hijab and find different reasons or "fears" to justify why they cannot wear it.  For some, it is that their husbands, parents, or other family members do not want them to, while for others it may be fear of what society may say, etc.  I'm not going to get into this topic...for me it brought up a different set of trials.

I began to think of worldly matters that I am afraid of.  The first one that has been on my mind constantly is not having children.  Every woman may have the natural fear (al khawf al fitri) before they have children, that they may not be able to.  I know I have talked about it with  many of my friends who have thought about that at least once.  Sometimes, my worries lead to what ifs...such as what if I can't have children and my husband decides to get re-married, etc.  Other fears that came to my mind include the fear of divorce, the fear of becoming depressed with things that don't go your way, etc.  What makes these fears become forbidden fears?  I begin to become suspicious.  I start fights with my husband.  I make issues out of nothing.  I get angry and upset.

When I truly look at the source of these fears, I realize they come from television shows, movies, gossip, news, etc.  I began to think it is so easy for a person to fall into this trap...this form of fear.  I remember when I got married, everyone was so happy about how religious he was, Alhamdulillah.  But..I remember a family member of mine around 20 that is very suspicious of all things "religious" came up to me and asked me...how I knew I could trust my husband...that he didn't flirt...that he wouldn't cheat on me one day.  Subhanallah, this is what society teaches us...that this is what all men do...and how all men behave, etc.

The more I began to think about fear...the more I realized how society is constantly living in fear of worldly matters.  What makes a Muslim different is that we put our worldly affairs in the hands of Allah (swt).  It is so easy to make that statement and much more difficult to actually live by it.  So what I do to stop these fears from bringing me down?

1. Constantly make du'a and ask for Allah (swt)'s help.
2. Remind myself to put my trust and faith in Allah (swt).
3. Think about all the times I was worried and Allah (swt) eased those situations.
4. Be grateful.

I have been making a lot of progress lately.  Every time I get into an argument and Shaitaan wants me to think the worst of my husband, I begin to seek refuge in Allah (swt) and I trust that our affairs will be mended.  I have to constantly convince myself that Allah (swt) will take care of it.  It is a battle with my conscious that goes on all the time.  It is a battle that I will fight to the end, Insha'Allah.