Sacrifices We Make

Assalamu'alaikum,

I've been feeling kind of down.  As strong as I try to be, it's so hard to get over some of the things that hurt you in your life, especially when they are repeatedly thrown in your face.  Last night, my husband was video chatting with his family.  Since we have been here, his mother has not returned any of our calls nor the numerous amounts of e-mails we have sent.  In fact, we know for sure she would ignore our calls.  Nonetheless, he finally got his sister to have his mother make a 30 second appearance on the video chat.  In order to soften her up, he tried sending her a gift, as well.

I hate how the thought of her just makes me want to cry all the time.  I feel so suffocated by his family.  I thought our move to Dubai would be beneficial for us to become independent of them.  I had been hurt and disrespected enough.  I thought I had my fair share of it for three years, and this distance may make things easier (at least for my sake).  In a previous post I may have mentioned his aunt lives in Dubai.  Well, the night before we were leaving to Bahrain, she pretty much told him she knew that his mother dislikes me a lot.  She didn't say anything directly, but he told me she kept making analogies that were obvious references to it.  It really bothered me a lot and I found it out of line.  I already feel his aunt thinks that I am unworthy of him because I am Pakistani.  She has made indirect remarks about it.  Now, I feel like I can't get away from these ignorant people and they make me feel so self-conscious.

My mood kind of went further downhill when my husband was supposed to meet me for iftar today.  He e-mailed me and told me he had to cancel because of a meeting, but to eat something light and we'll catch dinner.  Right before he went to his last meeting, he e-mailed me to tell me that one of the partners at the firm wants the team to go out to dinner.  I could have asked him to say he already made plans, but this is a new job and I know he needs to get in tight with the partner.  I had to make similar sacrifices at his last job and they were quite worthwhile since the partner loved him.

Alhamdulillah.  I just make du'a that these sacrifices I'm making are worthwhile in the end.  I miss my family, my friends, the perfect job I had to give up, and America in its entirety.  I pray these two years go by as fast as they can, Insha'Allah.

I got my first blog award!

Assalamu'alaikum all,

So thanks to BluePearl...I received my first blog award and completely didn't realize it!  I was awarded the following award:

So I really don't know how these blog awards work...but thank you so much BluePearl!!  It made me feel so special :).

Aside from that...today I had an interesting day.  My husband left for Lyon, France yesterday morning.  He is doing some sort of project and the model that they are referring to is located in Lyon.  His company just flew him out there to attend a training session to learn about the program and how to start it in Bahrain.  It's very cool.  Anyways, when he first found out he would be flying to France...he was going to take me with him and try to get his company to pay for my ticket.  It didn't work out and his company bumped his flight up two days earlier and didn't even notify him until the day of the flight.  It was way too late to get me a ticket by then....everything was way over our budget.  He was just telling me how beautiful it is, how much I would have loved it, and how he wishes I was there with him.  Oh well, Alhamdulillah.  Everything happens for a reason. 

I'm trying to get used to this constant traveling my husband will be doing at his new job.  I have to admit that I hate the feeling.  I start to think horrible things.  I really do believe that it is all triggered by the crap we watch on TV.  I just make du'a that Allah (swt) protects my husband and keeps evil far away from him.  I have a crazy imagination.  I just start to think a woman might seduce him or something crazy like that.  I know my husband is a good Islamic man with a high set of morals.  He's always making me better and he tries to bring me along everywhere with him.  It's just that I also start to think that things like that can happen to anybody.  You hear of the most religious people having affairs or doing crappy things no one ever expected from them.  I just keep reminding myself to trust my husband and most importantly make du'a and trust Allah (swt).

My husband's co-worker (Ben) that I mentioned in the previous post is still here.  He is supposed to leave for a flight to England today and I've been waiting for the past 4 hours for him to get out of here.  He's still here, though!  I guess he has a late flight or something.  He's really nice and everything...but when he is here...I stayed locked in the bedroom. 

I'm kind of going backwards...but earlier today I went to the Seef Mall.  I ate McDonald's.  It sucks because I don't enjoy fast food like I did when I was a little kid.  Every bite felt like I was putting garbage into my mouth.  The only thing I truly enjoy is the french fries.  It sucks...but that was my only option really.  Everything else was also fast food and the restaurants are just too expensive.  Plus...I feel so weird eating by myself at a restaurant. 

The highlight of the trip was that I bought myself a copy of Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen.  I've decided I'm going to go back and read or re-read classic novels I took for granted when I was younger.  Well, the lady at the bookstore told me I could choose a free book from a pile.  She let me take one even though you had to spend 5 Barhaini Dirhams and I had only spent 1.4.  That act of kindness really put a smile on my face for the whole day.  I can't believe how that really put me in a good mood for most of the day, Subhanallah.

Anyways...my husband comes back tomorrow night so Insha'Allah something to look forward to!

Bahrain

Assalamu'alaikum,

I'm in Bahrain now with my husband.  That picture is a photo I took from the balcony of our Ritz Carlton Hotel Apartment courtesy of his company.  It's a beautiful hotel and a country with picture-perfect aqua colored water.  We took a stroll along an unofficial beach and it was beautiful, but there were rocks as you got closer to the gulf and we weren't able to get our feet wet.  It's around 70 degrees here...so I'm sure the water is cold anyways.

I haven't really been able to see much.  What's kind of sad about these countries is that the main attractions are malls.  The malls have all the designer stores and American/European stores already know nothing new or special.  Yes...the malls are built to fit into the cosmopolitan lifestyle of these people...but really?  Where are the museums?  Where is the art?  It's really not much.

The only other cool thing that I really want to do is go dolphin/manatee watching.  It costs around $30/adult to go out on a boat.  I'm not sure if this is the season...but I'm hoping we'll be able to give the company a call this weekend.

I've been pretty much cooped up in the hotel room.  My husband had already warned me that during the week he wouldn't be able to take me out to see much.  He goes to work around 8 a.m. and doesn't come home until 9:30/10 p.m.  It's okay.  I try to keep myself busy during the day and I'm just happy I get to see him...even if it's just for a few hours, Alhamdulillah.  It's much better than being stuck at his aunt's house back in Dubai.

Aside from that, I didn't really do much today.  I went to meet him for lunch.  When I got there...he had already bought me a sandwich and told me he wouldn't be able to sit with me because he has a meeting.  So I went to the mall (of course!) located next door to his office building and ate by myself.  I was watching the Bahraini (at least that's what I think they were) women/girls.  I can't seem to understand their hijab style.  Today...I saw the weirdest one.  It looks like they have a beehive underneath their hijabs!  I'm not even joking.  I don't understand why they think it looks attractive.  I really found it quite amusing...though I wonder if they think I look funny.

The only other eventful thing to happen to me today was my husband's co-worker reaching the apartment early (my husband didn't warn me) and he almost walked in on me without my hijab.  Let me explain.  The hotel apartment we are staying in has three bedrooms.  Each bedroom is like a hotel room fully equipped with all the necessities and each with its own bathroom.  One of my husband's co-workers working on the same project as him here in Bahrain is a British guy named Ben.  He is staying in one of the other two bedrooms.  There is a common area in the hotel room.  The common area includes a full kitchen, a bar, a study area, living room, and dining area.  Today, I spent the entire day in front of my laptop and the TV. in the living room.  My husband is supposed to send me an e-mail warning me if Ben leaves work early and is going to beat him home so I can go into our room or make sure I have my hijab on.  Nonetheless, I decided whenever I would go into the common area even though no one is home...I'd just put my hijab around my neck to be on the safe side.  Alhamdulillah!  I heard the door unlocking and I quickly threw on my hijab.  Phewf!!  Alhamdulillah!  He made me so nervous.  Then he actually came over to me and was talking to me...telling me about the facilities.  It was very awkward.  I managed well, though, Alhamdulillah.

Now I'm back in our room with the door locked waiting for my hubby to come home and take me out.

Patience & Strength

I realized a few days ago that patience and strength are qualities you don't really understand or know if you actually have until you're tested by Allah (swt).  We have our own fair share of problems in our lives and we come out of them with scratches, bruises, and the like.  We think we were patient and strong through it all because we made it out alive.  Or at least...that is what I always told myself.

I mentioned in a previous post that I was going through something in my life that was causing me a lot of pain.  I told myself to be forgiving in regard to the matter and to have sabr.  I would give myself pep talks:  Insha'Allah, it will soon be forgotten and everything will go back to the way it was.  Just be strong and have patience. 

But then...I would lash out.  I would get angry...say hurtful and condescending things.  I would make the person feel horrible for what they did...when they were already suffering from the guilt and shame.  I wanted the person to feel the pain they were putting me through.  Part of me wanted to put the person through the same torment my heart and my mind were suffering.  After the lashing out...I would see the twisted expression on the person's face and I would feel worse than I did before.  I would turn around and apologize...try to take it all back.  My actions were only making things worse.

Lost...confused...I began to start thinking.  Is that me being strong?  Is that me being patient?  That's when the light bulb in my head finally turned on.  No.  It seemed I didn't truly understand what it meant to show patience.  The strength I was looking for was not to be at the cost of another's weakness.  It dawned on me that patience and strength meant to feel the pain, learn how to deal with it, and move on from it.  It meant reminding myself how I would want others to be with me if I were to make the same mistakes.  It meant looking back at my own past...remembering who I had hurt (especially my parents)...and following their steps in the way they treated me with such compassion.  They remained patient and they showed incredible strength dealing with the problems we (my brothers and I) would put them through.

So for myself I created a patience and strength plan (it may benefit anyone else out there, as well) thinking about Islam and bringing happiness back to my life:

1. Say Audhubillah & Show Humility...Every time I begin thinking about the problem, I need to dismiss it.  I need to remind myself it was a mistake and it isn't something for me to replay in my head and drive myself crazy with.  Furthermore, I am no angel, either.  I need to keep reminding myself about my own weaknesses.
2. Find comfort in Qur'an & Hadith...Whenever I feel upset and down, I told myself to just pick up the Qur'an or the books of Ahadith and start reading.  It will get my mind off of it...but it will also give me the calmness I need.
3. Read Muslimahs Blogs...I have found a lot of comfort in the past few weeks reading the blogs of other Muslimahs.  Hearing their stories...their Islamic advice...their happy/sad moments...has helped me feel connected with so many out there.
4. Strengthen Relationships...I decided to strengthen my relationships with the person that hurt me and my other family/friends.  It is important to be there for everyone during good times and bad.  We have to help each other improve and come out of the dark times in our lives.  Another thing I was thinking was that I'd like to
5. Writing...Alhamdulillah, writing has been a great outlet for me.  It really has helped me get my feelings in order and express myself.  The blog, especially, gives me a sense of relief I can't find in family/friends.  Some things are just too difficult to discuss with people you know.

My list can go on forever...but these are at the top.  Alhamdulillah, this post has made me feel a lot better.

Sigh of Relief

Source:  http://gurumia.com/2010/04/15/a-lesson-from-islam-alhamdulillah/

On Wednesday, I got very ill and was vomitting throughout the day.  My stomach wasn't able to keep anything down.  Throughout the night I was tossing and turning from hunger, but still I was too nauseous to eat anything.  My head was also spinning from the lack of food.  On Thursday, I was well enough to start eating a little bit...still suffering from a massive headache.  Alhamdulillah, Friday...things started looking a lot better.

I've been staying with my husband's aunt and we're very lucky to have somewhere to stay while our residency paper work is being done, Alhamdulillah.  I'm truly grateful for it, but I am ready to leave.  My husband and I both agree that we can only take staying with family in small doses.  This summer we went to visit his uncle and we were ready to go after about three days.  I think it may be because they are very different from us.  Most of his family (and mine for that matter) isn't very religious and from a social perspective we have a hard time finding common ground.  For the most part...touring and eating out is good enough, but after that it gets a little difficult to find environments that make us comfortable and that make them comfortable.  For example...we can't sit in their living room with them when they have the television on.  They watch things that involve permiscuity, foul language, etc.  It's hard for us to sit there and enjoy the conversation with that in our faces.  We have tried, though, to invite them to the masjid and on Friday to read Suratul Kahf with their kids...but at the same time we don't want to be too pushy either.

Nonetheless, it's good to have family here, Alhamdulillah.  I'm realizing now how important it is to know someone in foreign countries to help you adjust.  It makes the biggest difference.  They really have helped us understand the dynamics of Dubai, the politics, and the nitty gritty that you can't find online or in tourist pamphlets. 

On another note, I've also come to love skype.  I've been chatting with my cousins back home more than I used to talk to them while I was there.  I also got to talk to my uncle's wife and kids who live in Jeddah, Saudia Arabia.  Back home...I barely ever got to speak to them.  I knew it existed, but I guess I never felt the need for it since I was surrounded by the most part by family and friends.  I've also come to another realization - the importance of staying in touch with everyone.  I know we are all busy with work, school, and children...but really that's not an excuse.  You never know what can happen and you regret later on that you didn't go to visit that person...you didn't call this person.  Every day I think of someone I should have called or visited before I left.  Alhamdulillah.  Lesson learned.  I will do everything now to try to stay in touch through e-mail, skype, phone, and other forms of communication.  Another thing to be so grateful of...the many different forms of communication, Alhamdulillah!

Anyways, my husband is leaving for Bahrain tomorrow.  He's still supposed to be in training this week, but they put him on a project about education in Bahrain.  It's pretty cool.  My field...so I'm excited to see what he has to work on.  He's going to be gone for the next three days.  I'm okay with it right now, Insha'Allah, I remain patient while he's gone.  It's going to be difficult because this job will require him to travel for four days of the week.  The cool thing is that his company is doing a retreat in May to Ethiopia and spouses are invited.  He also got permission to fly me to the locations that he will be staying long term, rather than them flying him back every weekend.  In ten months, he will be going to Austria and he wants to take me out there with him.  Insha'Allah, it'll be delightful!

I don't know if you've noticed...but I feel as if my style of speaking (or writing shall I say) is being influenced by the British.  His cousins (8-9 years old) go to an international school that uses British english.  We keep making fun of the way they talk (lovingly of course...we love British accents).  I'm beginning to pick it up without thinking now, too.  For example...they don't like when I say throwing up...it's too "vulgar" for them.  They'd rather I say vomitting.  Haha.

Anyways....I'm off for now!

Pros/Cons of Dubai

I've been in Dubai for about a week and there are some positive observations I have made and some negative ones. 

Pros:

• Masajid everywhere!
• Adhaan heard for all prayers and even the Salah being led.
• Prayer areas in all of the malls...on every floor.
• The mall's music stops to play Adhaan.
• You don't get stared at for being a Muhajibah.
• Clean, modern, and beautiful everywhere.
• Metro (train) is amazingly clean and new.
• Weather is perfect at the moment...around 75 degrees with luscious breezes.
• Women only taxis, section of the train, beaches, parks, gyms, etc.

Cons:

• There are still naked women everywhere.
• Can't go to the beach with my husband because of the women. 
• Everything is tiny!
• Heard summers are unbearably hot.
• Everything costs the same as NYC or more.
• Can't use megavideo or any of the U.S. website (such as ABC.com) to watch any of my shows.
• Shopping is way too expensive here.
• My family isn't here.

Alhamdulillah, I really like Dubai so far.  There are quite a number of good and bad things about Dubai.  I could have made my list longer, but you get the idea of the general population.  Will be writing more about my observations later!

In Dubai!

Assalamu'alaikum Everyone,

I've made it to Dubai, Alhamdulillah.  The flight was excellent...direct to Dubai.  I'm staying at my husband's aunt's house while she is visiting family in Lebanon.  It's nice that we have her apartment to ourselves before we get situated, Alhamdulillah.

Dubai is interesting so far.  I think it's okay.  What's weird is that I'm not super impressed by everything.  Maybe I saw too many pictures online and heard so much about it's extravagance that it desensitized me...I'm really not sure.  I can't put my finger on it. 

I want to laugh every time I see a super fashionable Emirati woman.  Their hijab style is unique and pretty ridiculous.  I have seen many that are wearing their hijabs properly, but in one day I have seen the others as well.  I just want to ask what's the point of wearing the hijab then!  If you aren't familiar with their style of wearing it...they leave a nice chunk of their beautiful hair visible in the front.

The high rises are beautiful, but again, I'm not going crazy over them.  The Dubai Mall was a mall with all the stores you could imagine in one place.  I'm going to go to the Mall of the Emirates tomorrow.  I think that one is supposed to be nicer.

I have to say every time I look around I'm thinking about the signs of the Day of Judgment.  I see the high rises, the men walking in their jalabiyyas, the fashionable people, and all I can think is this is the Muslim ummah.  This is a glimpse of the rich Muslim people and how they are spending their money.

I was thinking about not getting a job.  However, now I'm thinking I may want a job as a teacher in the schools that serve the working class' children.  When I mean working class...I'm not talking about your corporate working class...I'm talking about the men and women that are cleaning the streets and doing the hard labor.

Will keep you updated.