Mecca After Fifteen Years

Alhamdulillah, I was given the blessed opportunity to visit Mecca mukarramah and perform umrah twice.  My uncle lives in Jeddah and drives into Mecca whenever the family has time, Masha'Allah.  Alhamdulillah, that made my trip much easier and relaxed.

Mecca After Fifteen Years

I had been on umrah when I was ten years old and I couldn't imagine the changes that have taken place since then.  Anxious, excited, and nervous...I could not wait to get there.

My heart began to sink as we passed through the check points along the outskirts.  The first thing you see from miles away is the big clock tower and the hotels surrounding it, while all your heart desires is a glimpse of the haram.

My aunt and cousins began to point out the houses that were lined up along the roads intertwining their way to the haram. 

They told me they were described by the Saudis as the most dangerous areas, ghettos, and homes of the illegal immigrants. 

Signs of poverty  marked the area all around; garbage thrown along the streets and sidewalks, abandoned buildings, graffiti on the walls, and solemn brick and concrete homes layered along the mountain sides.

Crawling through traffic near the haram, the minarets began to poke out between the buildings.  My heart began to beat faster with excitement. 

Surely, the area around the haram is clean and perfect! 

My eyes began to tear up at the sight of garbage along the sides of the roads and the graffiti all over.  Standing in front of the haram, a dark shadow loomed all over from the detested clock tower and its neighbors.  The markets were now replaced with H&M, Starbucks, etc.

How could they get rid of the traditional markets that gave you a glimpse of the past...what it would have been like during the time of the Prophet (saw).

The markets I did remember were pushed back by the malls and over-priced unaffordable hotels into the side roads.  They were overcrowded, filthy, and difficult to get to.

Walking into the haram, I felt my footsteps get heavier.  I cannot explain the hundreds of emotions exploding inside of me.  It was as if I had been separated from someone I deeply loved for years and now I would be reunited. 

When my eyes laid on the Kaabah, it was as if my heart stopped and everything in the world had frozen.  I couldn't hold back the tears.  Nothing can ever explain the feelings and thoughts when seeing the Kaabah.  Nothing can explain the sadness one feels when leaving it. 

Whatever the state may be of the area around, the beauty of the Kaabah can never be taken away.

Purifying the Soul through Hardships

Assalamu'alaikum,

So as you know, Subhanallah, I have been facing a serious test with my mother-in-law as described in detail in my previous post.  I just wanted to clarify that my blog is kind of a secret blog that none of my friends and family are aware of.  I needed a place to vent out my frustrations, express myself, and do it with the freedom of knowing that no one knows who I am.

Anyways, I am the type of person that easily forgives and tries my best to forget.  Usually, I only forget awful things said and done after the person has come to me and apologized or had shown regret for what they have done.  One thing I have a very difficult time forgetting is slander against me.  I am the type of person that realizes what I have done wrong and I ask for forgiveness right away (most of the time when I am aware/become aware of it).  Unfortunately, people aren't as forgiving as I would hope they would be...but I always tell myself that if I want people to forgive me for my faults...I need to forgive them for theirs. 

Well, I want to try to forgive everyone...whether they have come to me with an apology or have not shown any regret.  It is not my problem...it is on the person.  I do not want the evil of resentment, anger, and hatred to fester in my heart.  In order to help me do this, I have been trying to focus on Islam.  The lectures I attend are given by a well-educated Muslim woman, an engineer, a home-maker, a mother, a wife, and a daughter.  The reason I love her is because she talks about and mentions emotions.  She mentions situations, feelings, and thoughts that every woman can relate to.  Each woman in the room always comes out saying they feel as if she knows them better than they know themselves, Subhanallah.

I feel like Allah (swt) has been blessing me by bringing these opportunities to learn, to grow, and to find ease.  Well, just yesterday I was reading a post about this woman my friends kept mentioning.  They put up beautiful quotes she had said in lectures or articles.  I googled her and found a bunch of articles, but then I checked videos and Subhanallah, I found a video on hardships.  Wow, this was exactly what I needed.  She discusses how hardships can be either blessings or punishments.  The best part was her explanation that hardships in the form of blessings purify our souls.  When we go back to Allah (swt), we need to go back with pure hearts and souls.  Hardships in our lives are what purify us and bring us to the state we need to be in (Insha'Allah).  She also used a beautiful quote from Rumi...which I will not mention so you can watch it for yourself! 

Praying Istikhara

Assalamu'alaikum,


Last night I was talking to a friend of mine that had to choose between tenants for an apartment she is renting out.  I told her to make istikhara and she thought it was only done for serious issues such as marriage.  I have noticed the topic of istikhara is widely misinterpreted with many Muslims.  The best thing I have learned from a lecture from some shaikh (my memory fails me when, where, and which shaikh...I know that's not good) is that istikhara is for any decision you need to make or any step you want to take in your life.  The point of istikhara is to show that you put your reliance in Allah swt, you are asking Him swt to help you, and lastly whatever does happen (Insha'Allah) will have barakah in it. 


And then there's the question about the dream.  Are you going to see beautiful serene dreams or nightmares?  This Shaikh (I think it was Shaikh Yasir Qadhi) said it isn't about the dream.  You may have a dream...you may not.  Your dream may even be influenced by the Shaitan, Allahualim.  He made a great point.  He said when you pray istikhara, you are asking Allah swt to bring you towards the decision that is good for you and to protect you from that which is bad.  Basically, after the prayer Allah swt will make the good decision easier and it will start falling into place.


If we really look into our lives we may be able to pinpoint those moments.  The most recent thing on my mind is this job that I applied to.  It really sounded perfect...almost too perfect.  It allowed me to work from home, I could travel with my husband, and I could follow my passion (teaching).  I prayed istikhara and my interviews went great, Subhanallah.  Okay this is a good sign.  Well, the interviewer said she'd let me know by that week.  I didn't hear back until a week and a half later.  Finally, she e-mailed me to say they would like me to come in for a third interview.  First, they had me fill out an online interview questionnaire, then take a test for an hour, an interview over the phone, and then a face to face interview.  This much work and I'm not applying to some big shot corporate firm...that's just ridiculous!  I said yes and waited to find out when and where.  Another week goes by and by now I am getting pretty annoyed.  Subhanallah, the woman e-mails me yesterday to say that they are changing the part-time position I applied for into full-time.  I already told her I couldn't commit to full-time and we had agreed on it before I even did all these things.  I think Allah swt may be trying to tell me I shouldn't commit.


My husband had the opposite experience.  He had everything going against him at first.  He didn't have time to review case studies and prepare for the interviews because he was so busy at work.  He was applying to a firm that usually only hired ivy league graduates.  He prayed istikhara.  Subhanallah, when he got there...he forgot a pen and only realized it when he got to the waiting room.  Subhanallah, all of a sudden a pen that was on the ground caught his attention and he picked it up.  He walked into the interview and he could tell he wasn't amazing, but that the interviewers liked him.  He felt like they were trying to give him chances.  After the three rounds were over, he goes back to the hotel to find a message that the interviewer would like to talk to him one more time.  They tell him not to worry and ask why he's nervous..etc.  He gets to the airport to come home that same day and thinks he doesn't have the job.  He gets a phone call right before boarding that he has the job with the contract of his dreams, Subhanallah. 


When you think all odds are against you, it can all change by the will of Allah swt. 

Fear

Assalamu'alaikum,

In halaqa the other day, I learned about four types of fear, خوف.  The topic really made me look into myself, the way I think, and the way I behave.  What amazes me at times is how certain topics may not seem relative to us...but every little thing in Islam relates directly to our lives and personal experiences.  There is always a connection and a form of therapy for the challenges of this life.  Before I start, let me give you some background on the different types of fear.

• Al Khawf Al Fitri - الخوف الفطري
• The natural fear.  It is a form of fear that is normal and does not become excessive, such as fear of a snake that can poison you.  This type of fear is beneficial because it helps you protect yourself from dangers around you.
• Al Khawf Al Wajib - الخوف الواجب
• The obligatory fear.  The fear of Allah (swt), His punishment, the Last Day, etc. falls into this category.  It also serves as a form of protection from sinning and helps you seek refuge in Allah (swt).
• Al Khawf Al Shirki - الخوف الشركي
• The associating fear.  It is a form of fearing that brings you to committing a form of shirk, associating with Allah (swt).  It is the fear of someone or something that causes you to magnify that person or thing.  An example is a magician that you fear may harm you and you try to seek his/her pleasure.
• Al Khawf Al Muharram - الخوف المحرم
• The forbidden fear.  There is no question al khawf al shirki is forbidden, but al khawf al muharram is "forbidden" because of the ease of which a Muslim can fall into this predicament.
• It is the fear of someone or something will harm you like al khawf al shirki.  However, the difference is that you do not magnify that particular person or thing.  This form of fear causes you to leave an obligatory act or leads you to a sin.

During the halaqa, I began to think about some of the major fears that I have in regard to my life as a Muslim.  One of my major fears, ever since I moved overseas, is the disconnect between my husband and the masjid.  Subhanallah in America, there were daily programs and lectures for us to attend at the masjid together.  Alhamdulillah over here, I have found the halaqas, but aside from khutbah during Salatul Jummah, there isn't much for my husband.  This fear then makes me think of the stories of men who were so religious and then transformed and would commit acts of zinnah and fall into major sins.  Then, I think to myself...what about me?  What if I am the one that one day wakes up and decides I no longer want to be Muslim.  This type of fear is al khawf al wajib.  It is the fear that you may lose your deen and you may have as my halaqa teacher said in Arabic "a bad ending."  This is the fear that causes you to ask Allah (swt) to keep you and your loved ones on a straight path, to protect from the pressures of the dunya, etc.

But then, I began to think of all the things that could lead me to have al khawf al muharram, the forbidden fear.  The halaqa teacher gave us an example that is quite common amongst Muslim women.  She discussed how some women are afraid to where the hijab and find different reasons or "fears" to justify why they cannot wear it.  For some, it is that their husbands, parents, or other family members do not want them to, while for others it may be fear of what society may say, etc.  I'm not going to get into this topic...for me it brought up a different set of trials.

I began to think of worldly matters that I am afraid of.  The first one that has been on my mind constantly is not having children.  Every woman may have the natural fear (al khawf al fitri) before they have children, that they may not be able to.  I know I have talked about it with  many of my friends who have thought about that at least once.  Sometimes, my worries lead to what ifs...such as what if I can't have children and my husband decides to get re-married, etc.  Other fears that came to my mind include the fear of divorce, the fear of becoming depressed with things that don't go your way, etc.  What makes these fears become forbidden fears?  I begin to become suspicious.  I start fights with my husband.  I make issues out of nothing.  I get angry and upset.

When I truly look at the source of these fears, I realize they come from television shows, movies, gossip, news, etc.  I began to think it is so easy for a person to fall into this trap...this form of fear.  I remember when I got married, everyone was so happy about how religious he was, Alhamdulillah.  But..I remember a family member of mine around 20 that is very suspicious of all things "religious" came up to me and asked me...how I knew I could trust my husband...that he didn't flirt...that he wouldn't cheat on me one day.  Subhanallah, this is what society teaches us...that this is what all men do...and how all men behave, etc.

The more I began to think about fear...the more I realized how society is constantly living in fear of worldly matters.  What makes a Muslim different is that we put our worldly affairs in the hands of Allah (swt).  It is so easy to make that statement and much more difficult to actually live by it.  So what I do to stop these fears from bringing me down?

1. Constantly make du'a and ask for Allah (swt)'s help.
2. Remind myself to put my trust and faith in Allah (swt).
3. Think about all the times I was worried and Allah (swt) eased those situations.
4. Be grateful.

I have been making a lot of progress lately.  Every time I get into an argument and Shaitaan wants me to think the worst of my husband, I begin to seek refuge in Allah (swt) and I trust that our affairs will be mended.  I have to constantly convince myself that Allah (swt) will take care of it.  It is a battle with my conscious that goes on all the time.  It is a battle that I will fight to the end, Insha'Allah.

MIA...

Assalamu'alaikum all,

Sorry, I've been missing in action recently because somehow (Subhanallah) my schedule went from being sitting around doing nothing to actually having a pretty packed week.  I had an interesting week with lots of updates!

Everything around us is a learning experience.  My goal is to be able to find my way through the challenges of this life with the deen in my hand and most importantly...my heart.  One thing I read recently in this article (it's amazing...highly suggest you read it) really opened up my eyes.  Your heart needs to be purified constantly.  One of the ways in purifying your heart is by surrounding yourself with people that remind you of the akhira.  Now...where do you find those people?

I had one friend that I met in college.  We both came from very different backgrounds and in terms of being religious...she is definitely far more than I am.  Even though she is younger than me, I always looked up to her and was motivated by her purity and closeness to Islam.  She may not know it...but she is a major reason I've improved and I'm always searching for companions like her.  She is the type of person that gives you her honest opinion and reminds you of what you need to do to get to the akhirah.  Unlike some of my other friends in college, she always gave me advice that was sincere and would help me be successful in this life and the afterlife.

One of my worries when I moved to Dubai was whether I'd be able to find a friend like that here.  Subhanallah, this week I really saw how Allah (swt) made many of my fears go away and answered my du'a.  I didn't even realize how much I wanted it...until I got it this week.  Alhamdulillah.

First off...I found this organization, Al Huda Sisters, that was started by some Western Muslim women getting together to learn about Islam.  They have a wonderful teacher that gives lectures in English.  She teaches tajweed, Arabic, tafseer, hifdh, seerah, etc.  It's amazing!  They have classes every day...talk about dedication.  I missed registration for Arabic classes...so right now I'm attending the other courses twice a week.  I was there for one day and I was blown away with how much I left with.  Best of all, I made a friend.  One thing I love about classes such as these is that it gives you an opportunity to meet people with similar values and lifestyles such as your own.

I also took the time to meet with my old co-worker's sister.  She moved to Dubai from America a few years back.  I was a little worried that we may not hit it off very well because she's a few years older than me and she has three kids, Masha'Allah.  But of course...Allah (swt) knows better.  We actually got along very well.  Since she is a teacher too...we had a lot of things to talk about.  Our professions brought us together.  I also was very happy to see that her family values were similar to my own.  In fact...her overall spending habits and challenges were ones that I was facing, too.  We live far from one another, but I was happy to see both of us were willing to take the time out to see each other.

My husband came home this weekend.  He knew my first few weeks were tough and he told me he was worried about me.  Alhamdulillah, I was happily able to tell him that Insha'Allah things are getting better.  It took me some time to get used to it...but I'm starting to like it here.

We Failed...

Today I was visiting a few friends that I went to school with and I haven’t seen in a while.  One of my friends was very close to me, especially during my last few years in college.  She’s an incredibly genuine and kind-hearted person; a great friend to have at the end of the day.  There are times we disagree and sometimes I feel I hear her other friends talking, not her.  Today was one of those days.

We were talking about the MSA in our college and the Imam of our Islamic Center.  I’m not really sure how it all came up, but she said some things I didn’t quite agree with.  She mentioned how much the Imam has changed and some negative things floating around about him.  We started talking about the pivotal moment we saw our MSA shift from one that was conservative to one that was a little too liberal.

I did agree with her that there are some decisions the Imam made that I wouldn’t make and I am not comfortable with myself.  Basically, I remember being one of the few on the MSA board with some knowledge of Islam, still barely what it should have been.  The other kids had very minimal knowledge and were just beginning to practice.  It was difficult for them to understand many things and the points I was making along with a few other people.  Unfortunately, somehow they were placed in positions of leadership.  How they got there?  I wish I knew.  The kids were great, but I don’t believe they were making the best choices.

Unfortunately, the students that disagreed with their choices decided they would just boycott the Islamic Center.  It wasn’t your full blown orchestrated boycott.  It was just a group of people, including my friend, that decided they wouldn’t go to the Islamic Center anymore and they wouldn’t attend any more of the events.

While I was talking to her, I began getting a little defensive about the Islamic Center.  Why?  I knew there had to be good there.  It’s the place I started hijab, it’s the place I found friends that understood me and helped me become a better person.  It was through this same center that is too liberal that I became conservative and started to practice what I preach!!!  How could it be such a bad place if I found that there and I know others had, too?

And then I realized…it was because of us, all of us!  It’s our faults because we didn’t do anything or we didn’t try hard enough.  We just watched it fall into the wrong hands and go down the wrong path.  We didn’t do anything practical and useful to stop it from heading that way.  We didn’t give it everything it gave us.  We took all the good from it and we didn’t go back to strengthen it.

How often do we do this as Muslims to everything around us?  We take all the good around us and many times we never go back and return the favor.  We went to Sunday Schools that may not have given us the best Islamic education in the world, but it gave us something.  Do we ever go back?  Do we ever give back?  We get busy with our lives and ourselves.  We denounce and we shut out.  We bad mouth and criticize.  We do not act.