I feel so blah...

I have this awful annoyed feeling growing inside of me.  Everything and everyone around me is getting on my nerves.  Here comes the list...

1. My sister-in-law made me a bridesmaid, Allah knows why...she can't stand me.  She picked out a dress that is superbly fitted.  I have to tell her I cannot where it in front of the men, even with a bolero and hijab.  The rest of the dress shows too much of my figure.  It's not me.  Wait just a minute...why do I have to explain to another muhajibah the reasoning behind not being able to wear a fitted dress? 
2. Now, I need an abayah to wear over the dress that is dressy enough for the wedding.  I don't have any money that can be easily used since we are moving and we need to save.  I have to spend more money on top of the bridesmaid dress to get a nice abayah...and the one I found and now love costs $150! 
3. My mother-in-law was talking about this girl (that I'm not very fond of) to my husband awhile ago.  She was just going on about what a wonderful dancer she is, how great she is at putting on make up, blah blah.  It felt as if she was trying to say...hey see what you could have married.  Anyways, I thought it was wildly inappropriate.  A supposedly really religious woman telling her son about another girl's dancing?  What?!  That's not the point, though.  My husband brought the girl up recently, telling me to call her to do my hair for his sister's wedding (the portion that will be separated) since his mom said she's so good at all that.  The fact that he remembered her from that conversation pissed me off.
4. I wanted to try to do something nice for his family by making a turkey on Friday night.  Instead, my husband wants me to do something I find more difficult...paella.  Live lobsters.  Woohoo!  I'm so excited.  It sucks because I don't have a pan big enough to make a portion that would feed his whole family.  I will have to cook three separate pans of paella.  Fun times!
5. Hmm...I have tons of work to do for two of my Master's classes and I'm getting really frustrated by them.
6. Lastly...(I just want to end the list)...I feel like such a bum lately.  I don't feel like looking nice and pretty.  I just want to sit at home in my sweats for this four day weekend and be alone.

Alhamdulillah, I just need to stay patient.

We Failed...

Today I was visiting a few friends that I went to school with and I haven’t seen in a while.  One of my friends was very close to me, especially during my last few years in college.  She’s an incredibly genuine and kind-hearted person; a great friend to have at the end of the day.  There are times we disagree and sometimes I feel I hear her other friends talking, not her.  Today was one of those days.

We were talking about the MSA in our college and the Imam of our Islamic Center.  I’m not really sure how it all came up, but she said some things I didn’t quite agree with.  She mentioned how much the Imam has changed and some negative things floating around about him.  We started talking about the pivotal moment we saw our MSA shift from one that was conservative to one that was a little too liberal.

I did agree with her that there are some decisions the Imam made that I wouldn’t make and I am not comfortable with myself.  Basically, I remember being one of the few on the MSA board with some knowledge of Islam, still barely what it should have been.  The other kids had very minimal knowledge and were just beginning to practice.  It was difficult for them to understand many things and the points I was making along with a few other people.  Unfortunately, somehow they were placed in positions of leadership.  How they got there?  I wish I knew.  The kids were great, but I don’t believe they were making the best choices.

Unfortunately, the students that disagreed with their choices decided they would just boycott the Islamic Center.  It wasn’t your full blown orchestrated boycott.  It was just a group of people, including my friend, that decided they wouldn’t go to the Islamic Center anymore and they wouldn’t attend any more of the events.

While I was talking to her, I began getting a little defensive about the Islamic Center.  Why?  I knew there had to be good there.  It’s the place I started hijab, it’s the place I found friends that understood me and helped me become a better person.  It was through this same center that is too liberal that I became conservative and started to practice what I preach!!!  How could it be such a bad place if I found that there and I know others had, too?

And then I realized…it was because of us, all of us!  It’s our faults because we didn’t do anything or we didn’t try hard enough.  We just watched it fall into the wrong hands and go down the wrong path.  We didn’t do anything practical and useful to stop it from heading that way.  We didn’t give it everything it gave us.  We took all the good from it and we didn’t go back to strengthen it.

How often do we do this as Muslims to everything around us?  We take all the good around us and many times we never go back and return the favor.  We went to Sunday Schools that may not have given us the best Islamic education in the world, but it gave us something.  Do we ever go back?  Do we ever give back?  We get busy with our lives and ourselves.  We denounce and we shut out.  We bad mouth and criticize.  We do not act.

Mind-Wandering

Idleness warps the mind.  – Henry Ford

Recently, actually starting just today, I have been reading news articles.  I used to read the news a lot more in the past, but college, work, and marriage took a lot of that free time away from me…or so I thought. 

Today, I read a piece called “Findings: When the Mind Wanders, Happiness Also Strays” by John Tierney in the New York Times.  Basically, studies from some folks at Harvard have shown that when we allow ourselves to get lost in our thoughts it results in unhappiness.  We tend to wander towards thoughts that are negative and unhappy in nature.  We begin to think about our problems and difficulties.  The solution, according to the study, is to remain focused on activities that keep you from day dreaming.

I am grateful that I do not have incredibly serious issues in my life, Alhamdulillah.  However, the biggest issue I have is with my in-laws.  Most couples tend to have some in-law issues.  The intensity of those problems varies and may change over time.  My issues are not on the extreme side, nor do I consider them on the not so bad side.  I’d like to compare them to a cold sore.  They are painful, difficult to get rid of, and always in the way.  Most of all, they make you look and feel horrible.  I am not talking about my in-laws.  I am talking about my issues with them.

Without getting into any more details, I have been aware of a serious issue of how my mind wanders.  Every time my mind wanders it ALWAYS wanders to them.  Can you say obsessed?  I begin to list every wrong they have ever done to me, every negative comment they have made, and so on.  The resentment is only comparable to a tsunami hitting me repeatedly at full force.  This must be the only issue that really brings me down and when I get those few minutes to daydream, it’s the nightmare of his family that invades my brain.  I know, it’s a test from Allah (swt), but I need to figure out how to keep being patient.  I feel like an addict that has been sober, but now is on the brink of exploding and using again.

Now, the solution, I think I need to figure out how to keep myself busy in those few minutes.  See, this is the problem.  A Muslim should be in constant remembrance of Allah (swt) right?  But, the article says that prayers and meditation are on the lower end of activities that stop you from mind-wandering.  What does this mean for me?  Who is making my mind wander?  Shaitan, of course!   This is exactly what he wants.  When I am making dhikr, it is Shaitan that is working on me full force to make sure that it becomes remote remembrance and he reminds me of my in-laws!  Can I always blame Shaitan, though?  No, it is also the evil inside of me that I am fighting to keep locked in a box.

Last night, I almost let these petty issues ruin my entire marriage.  Alhamdulillah, before it all fell apart, things were salvaged, but I’m feeling the after effects now.  Subhanallah, this article brought me some kind of relief.  It has made me cognizant of the issue.  I cannot let my mind wander.  If I try to do something and I begin to let my mind wander, go to the next thing.  For example…I start by listening to the radio…after a few minutes I wander…ZAP…think about mind-wandering….after a few minutes I wander….start making dhikr…after a few minutes I wander…ZAP…start making du’a…and so on.  HA!  I got the answer, now!  Insha’Allah.  This may be the first step in getting over my in-law obsession.