Patience & Strength

I realized a few days ago that patience and strength are qualities you don't really understand or know if you actually have until you're tested by Allah (swt).  We have our own fair share of problems in our lives and we come out of them with scratches, bruises, and the like.  We think we were patient and strong through it all because we made it out alive.  Or at least...that is what I always told myself.

I mentioned in a previous post that I was going through something in my life that was causing me a lot of pain.  I told myself to be forgiving in regard to the matter and to have sabr.  I would give myself pep talks:  Insha'Allah, it will soon be forgotten and everything will go back to the way it was.  Just be strong and have patience. 

But then...I would lash out.  I would get angry...say hurtful and condescending things.  I would make the person feel horrible for what they did...when they were already suffering from the guilt and shame.  I wanted the person to feel the pain they were putting me through.  Part of me wanted to put the person through the same torment my heart and my mind were suffering.  After the lashing out...I would see the twisted expression on the person's face and I would feel worse than I did before.  I would turn around and apologize...try to take it all back.  My actions were only making things worse.

Lost...confused...I began to start thinking.  Is that me being strong?  Is that me being patient?  That's when the light bulb in my head finally turned on.  No.  It seemed I didn't truly understand what it meant to show patience.  The strength I was looking for was not to be at the cost of another's weakness.  It dawned on me that patience and strength meant to feel the pain, learn how to deal with it, and move on from it.  It meant reminding myself how I would want others to be with me if I were to make the same mistakes.  It meant looking back at my own past...remembering who I had hurt (especially my parents)...and following their steps in the way they treated me with such compassion.  They remained patient and they showed incredible strength dealing with the problems we (my brothers and I) would put them through.

So for myself I created a patience and strength plan (it may benefit anyone else out there, as well) thinking about Islam and bringing happiness back to my life:

1. Say Audhubillah & Show Humility...Every time I begin thinking about the problem, I need to dismiss it.  I need to remind myself it was a mistake and it isn't something for me to replay in my head and drive myself crazy with.  Furthermore, I am no angel, either.  I need to keep reminding myself about my own weaknesses.
2. Find comfort in Qur'an & Hadith...Whenever I feel upset and down, I told myself to just pick up the Qur'an or the books of Ahadith and start reading.  It will get my mind off of it...but it will also give me the calmness I need.
3. Read Muslimahs Blogs...I have found a lot of comfort in the past few weeks reading the blogs of other Muslimahs.  Hearing their stories...their Islamic advice...their happy/sad moments...has helped me feel connected with so many out there.
4. Strengthen Relationships...I decided to strengthen my relationships with the person that hurt me and my other family/friends.  It is important to be there for everyone during good times and bad.  We have to help each other improve and come out of the dark times in our lives.  Another thing I was thinking was that I'd like to
5. Writing...Alhamdulillah, writing has been a great outlet for me.  It really has helped me get my feelings in order and express myself.  The blog, especially, gives me a sense of relief I can't find in family/friends.  Some things are just too difficult to discuss with people you know.

My list can go on forever...but these are at the top.  Alhamdulillah, this post has made me feel a lot better.

Sigh of Relief

Source:  http://gurumia.com/2010/04/15/a-lesson-from-islam-alhamdulillah/

On Wednesday, I got very ill and was vomitting throughout the day.  My stomach wasn't able to keep anything down.  Throughout the night I was tossing and turning from hunger, but still I was too nauseous to eat anything.  My head was also spinning from the lack of food.  On Thursday, I was well enough to start eating a little bit...still suffering from a massive headache.  Alhamdulillah, Friday...things started looking a lot better.

I've been staying with my husband's aunt and we're very lucky to have somewhere to stay while our residency paper work is being done, Alhamdulillah.  I'm truly grateful for it, but I am ready to leave.  My husband and I both agree that we can only take staying with family in small doses.  This summer we went to visit his uncle and we were ready to go after about three days.  I think it may be because they are very different from us.  Most of his family (and mine for that matter) isn't very religious and from a social perspective we have a hard time finding common ground.  For the most part...touring and eating out is good enough, but after that it gets a little difficult to find environments that make us comfortable and that make them comfortable.  For example...we can't sit in their living room with them when they have the television on.  They watch things that involve permiscuity, foul language, etc.  It's hard for us to sit there and enjoy the conversation with that in our faces.  We have tried, though, to invite them to the masjid and on Friday to read Suratul Kahf with their kids...but at the same time we don't want to be too pushy either.

Nonetheless, it's good to have family here, Alhamdulillah.  I'm realizing now how important it is to know someone in foreign countries to help you adjust.  It makes the biggest difference.  They really have helped us understand the dynamics of Dubai, the politics, and the nitty gritty that you can't find online or in tourist pamphlets. 

On another note, I've also come to love skype.  I've been chatting with my cousins back home more than I used to talk to them while I was there.  I also got to talk to my uncle's wife and kids who live in Jeddah, Saudia Arabia.  Back home...I barely ever got to speak to them.  I knew it existed, but I guess I never felt the need for it since I was surrounded by the most part by family and friends.  I've also come to another realization - the importance of staying in touch with everyone.  I know we are all busy with work, school, and children...but really that's not an excuse.  You never know what can happen and you regret later on that you didn't go to visit that person...you didn't call this person.  Every day I think of someone I should have called or visited before I left.  Alhamdulillah.  Lesson learned.  I will do everything now to try to stay in touch through e-mail, skype, phone, and other forms of communication.  Another thing to be so grateful of...the many different forms of communication, Alhamdulillah!

Anyways, my husband is leaving for Bahrain tomorrow.  He's still supposed to be in training this week, but they put him on a project about education in Bahrain.  It's pretty cool.  My field...so I'm excited to see what he has to work on.  He's going to be gone for the next three days.  I'm okay with it right now, Insha'Allah, I remain patient while he's gone.  It's going to be difficult because this job will require him to travel for four days of the week.  The cool thing is that his company is doing a retreat in May to Ethiopia and spouses are invited.  He also got permission to fly me to the locations that he will be staying long term, rather than them flying him back every weekend.  In ten months, he will be going to Austria and he wants to take me out there with him.  Insha'Allah, it'll be delightful!

I don't know if you've noticed...but I feel as if my style of speaking (or writing shall I say) is being influenced by the British.  His cousins (8-9 years old) go to an international school that uses British english.  We keep making fun of the way they talk (lovingly of course...we love British accents).  I'm beginning to pick it up without thinking now, too.  For example...they don't like when I say throwing up...it's too "vulgar" for them.  They'd rather I say vomitting.  Haha.

Anyways....I'm off for now!

I feel so blah...

I have this awful annoyed feeling growing inside of me.  Everything and everyone around me is getting on my nerves.  Here comes the list...

1. My sister-in-law made me a bridesmaid, Allah knows why...she can't stand me.  She picked out a dress that is superbly fitted.  I have to tell her I cannot where it in front of the men, even with a bolero and hijab.  The rest of the dress shows too much of my figure.  It's not me.  Wait just a minute...why do I have to explain to another muhajibah the reasoning behind not being able to wear a fitted dress? 
2. Now, I need an abayah to wear over the dress that is dressy enough for the wedding.  I don't have any money that can be easily used since we are moving and we need to save.  I have to spend more money on top of the bridesmaid dress to get a nice abayah...and the one I found and now love costs $150! 
3. My mother-in-law was talking about this girl (that I'm not very fond of) to my husband awhile ago.  She was just going on about what a wonderful dancer she is, how great she is at putting on make up, blah blah.  It felt as if she was trying to say...hey see what you could have married.  Anyways, I thought it was wildly inappropriate.  A supposedly really religious woman telling her son about another girl's dancing?  What?!  That's not the point, though.  My husband brought the girl up recently, telling me to call her to do my hair for his sister's wedding (the portion that will be separated) since his mom said she's so good at all that.  The fact that he remembered her from that conversation pissed me off.
4. I wanted to try to do something nice for his family by making a turkey on Friday night.  Instead, my husband wants me to do something I find more difficult...paella.  Live lobsters.  Woohoo!  I'm so excited.  It sucks because I don't have a pan big enough to make a portion that would feed his whole family.  I will have to cook three separate pans of paella.  Fun times!
5. Hmm...I have tons of work to do for two of my Master's classes and I'm getting really frustrated by them.
6. Lastly...(I just want to end the list)...I feel like such a bum lately.  I don't feel like looking nice and pretty.  I just want to sit at home in my sweats for this four day weekend and be alone.

Alhamdulillah, I just need to stay patient.