Patience & Strength

I realized a few days ago that patience and strength are qualities you don't really understand or know if you actually have until you're tested by Allah (swt).  We have our own fair share of problems in our lives and we come out of them with scratches, bruises, and the like.  We think we were patient and strong through it all because we made it out alive.  Or at least...that is what I always told myself.

I mentioned in a previous post that I was going through something in my life that was causing me a lot of pain.  I told myself to be forgiving in regard to the matter and to have sabr.  I would give myself pep talks:  Insha'Allah, it will soon be forgotten and everything will go back to the way it was.  Just be strong and have patience. 

But then...I would lash out.  I would get angry...say hurtful and condescending things.  I would make the person feel horrible for what they did...when they were already suffering from the guilt and shame.  I wanted the person to feel the pain they were putting me through.  Part of me wanted to put the person through the same torment my heart and my mind were suffering.  After the lashing out...I would see the twisted expression on the person's face and I would feel worse than I did before.  I would turn around and apologize...try to take it all back.  My actions were only making things worse.

Lost...confused...I began to start thinking.  Is that me being strong?  Is that me being patient?  That's when the light bulb in my head finally turned on.  No.  It seemed I didn't truly understand what it meant to show patience.  The strength I was looking for was not to be at the cost of another's weakness.  It dawned on me that patience and strength meant to feel the pain, learn how to deal with it, and move on from it.  It meant reminding myself how I would want others to be with me if I were to make the same mistakes.  It meant looking back at my own past...remembering who I had hurt (especially my parents)...and following their steps in the way they treated me with such compassion.  They remained patient and they showed incredible strength dealing with the problems we (my brothers and I) would put them through.

So for myself I created a patience and strength plan (it may benefit anyone else out there, as well) thinking about Islam and bringing happiness back to my life:

1. Say Audhubillah & Show Humility...Every time I begin thinking about the problem, I need to dismiss it.  I need to remind myself it was a mistake and it isn't something for me to replay in my head and drive myself crazy with.  Furthermore, I am no angel, either.  I need to keep reminding myself about my own weaknesses.
2. Find comfort in Qur'an & Hadith...Whenever I feel upset and down, I told myself to just pick up the Qur'an or the books of Ahadith and start reading.  It will get my mind off of it...but it will also give me the calmness I need.
3. Read Muslimahs Blogs...I have found a lot of comfort in the past few weeks reading the blogs of other Muslimahs.  Hearing their stories...their Islamic advice...their happy/sad moments...has helped me feel connected with so many out there.
4. Strengthen Relationships...I decided to strengthen my relationships with the person that hurt me and my other family/friends.  It is important to be there for everyone during good times and bad.  We have to help each other improve and come out of the dark times in our lives.  Another thing I was thinking was that I'd like to
5. Writing...Alhamdulillah, writing has been a great outlet for me.  It really has helped me get my feelings in order and express myself.  The blog, especially, gives me a sense of relief I can't find in family/friends.  Some things are just too difficult to discuss with people you know.

My list can go on forever...but these are at the top.  Alhamdulillah, this post has made me feel a lot better.